Water Gems and Sock Hats
by LapisDIDNOTHINGwrong101
Summary: *FINISHED!* I don't own Steven Universe, Ed Edd n Eddy or anything Cartoon Network related. The Eds join their fellow CN friends and attend a Steven Universe Variety show where Double Dee helps Lapis Lazuli solve her problems. (Edd/Lapis Lazuli) *Contains Violence, language, nudity and a few disturbing scenes.* Reviews are always welcome! Humor, Romance and Hurt/Comfort.
1. Chapter 1: Introductions

A/N: I don't own Steven Universe, Ed Edd n Eddy, or Cartoon Network, Anyway, the following contains language, violence, nudity, a few shit jokes and some politically incorrect stuff.

**Water-Gems and Sock-Hats**

Chapter 1: Introductions

CN City was hustling and bustling, numerous Cartoon Network characters were clocking in/out of work, doing errands, celebrating that Stuart Snyder got the boot (Toonami's back) and having more adventures. To celebrate Snyder's firing, a huge statue of Snyder was toppled, and a massive festival was launched that promoted new **animated** (fuck you CN REAL) shows and Steven Universe was one of them with a 5-part variety special directed by Rebecca Sugar herself and held in a massive colosseum-sized theater complete with a roof. Like Cartoon Cartoon Fridays, all CN characters would attend the spectacular event including the Eds.

"It's so delightful that new cartoons will be unveiled at this new show!" Double Dee said joyfully as he sat in his seat.

**"NEW FRIENDS FOR ED!"** Added the dim Ed.

"So long as they don't take my stuff, I'm fine." Replied Eddy as he pulled out a _"Bible-Black"_ hentai he snuck in to read and or look at the pictures.

A/N: Whatever you guys do, **DON'T LOOK UP BIBLE BLACK!**

"Come to think of it, one of my old friends is in this show!" Said Double Dee.

(GASP) "DOUBLE DEE HAS FRIEND IN SHOW? ED IS HAPPY!" Ed said as he hugged Eddy and Ed.

"HEY TAKE IT EASY! This comic cost me a lot of quarters!" Eddy said as he made sure Ed didn't ruin it.

"Say what is that manga about anyway?" Edd asked.

"Uggghhhhhhh….Woman's Rights and Equality!" Eddy pulled out of his ass.

"Okay then." Edd said.

"Can I read it to?" Ed asked, completely unaware of the evil contained within Eddy's manga.

"NO! I uh…..it's boring and you have to read the other books to understand. Plus, it's really _SCARY_." Eddy replied.

Ed asked. "Scarier than the _Werewolves from the Valley of Hades with The Robot Bounty Hunters and_…?"

"Uh Yeah yeah…..MORE SCARY!" Eddy said.

"OKEY-DOKEY!" Ed said.

"So Sock-Head, you met a girl in this show?" Eddy asked.

"Yes, I met this girl before moving to Peach Creek, I wonder how she's doing?" Edd wondered.

*Outside Lapis' dressing room*

A/N: Even though Lapis and Steven are close on the show, this is more of a behind the scenes scenario where the characters don't get along. Also this scene does contain a sad part. Anyway on with the show.

A huge scream (Lapis) is heard as Steven (while holding a video camera) gets sent through Lapis' changing room door via a powerful stream of water and into a bunch of props with a painful thud.

**"YOU FUCKING PERVERT!"** Lapis shrieked while wearing a towel.

"Aw come on Lapis, can't we just let it slide like old friends? Have some compassion." Steven asked completely missing the mark of how the thing he tried to do could be worthy of any compassion to begin with.

"I'll show you some _"compassion" _you little **SHIT**!" Replied Lapis as she turned one of her water arms into a blade ready to strike. (A/N: I made a new power for Lapis)

"LAPIS!" Came a voice from down the hall.

Lapis turned to find that it was Rebecca Sugar, accompanied by Jasper, Steven's Dad, Peridot along with the main 3 Gems Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl.

"What is the meaning of this?" Rebecca demanded to know.

"I was getting out of the shower when I heard this "fapping" noise from my closet so when I went to check it out, **STEVEN WAS JACKING OFF WHILE RECORDING ME!**" Lapis explained.

(everyone gasps)

"Is this true Steven?" Rebecca asked, very concerned.

"Yes, and the worst thing is that my camera is broken." Steven said sadly.

"You film my naked body without consent, and the one thing you're sorry about is me **breaking your goddamn camera?!**" Lapis questioned angrily.

"It was a good camera with great shots as well, even one where you fingered yourself to…" Steven added.

Lapis wanted to castrate, nay, completely "redesign" Steven's genitals but before she could…

"IDIOT!" Came from Jasper as he (it'll all make sense later as to why I labeled Jasper as a guy) walked through the small crown and towards Steven all pissed off. "DIDN'T I SPECIFICALLY TELL YOU TO USE A **WATERPROOF CAMERA** WHEN FILMING LAP…(pauses and looks at Lapis, anger replaced by fear) Oh shit…" Jasper said realizing his mistake.

Lapis aimed her water-blade arm for Jasper's junk, only to be stopped by Sugar.

"Lapis that's enough." Sugar ordered.

"But they filmed me…" Lapis said.

"I don't care if Steven and Jasper filmed you naked 100 times, they are still vital for the show. You need to realize that Jasper and Steven matter." Sugar Answered.

**"I MATTER TO!"** Lapis Blurted.

Sugar then slapped Lapis right across the face, sending her to the floor. Still reeling in pain, Lapis was lifted by her hair from Garnet as she struggled to hold one hand onto Garnet's arm while holding her towel up with the other.

"BLASPHEMY." Said Garnet who was also accompanied by Amethyst and Pearl as they circled the frightened Water Gem.

Lapis looked to the other Gems for support.

"YOU OTHER GEMS STAY OUT OF THIS!" Ordered Sugar as she walked towards Lapis.

Sugar was inches away from Lapis' face.

"Does _La-La_ want a "time-out?" Rebecca asked dementedly.

Lapis shook her head.

"Does _La-La_ wanna be a "good girl?" Rebecca asked.

Lapis nodded nervously, she knew what was coming.

"Here, let Mama help _La-La_." Rebecca said as she stuck her tongue out and licked Lapis' burning cheek.

Despite not being a stranger to this abuse, Lapis could never fully get used to it.

"Good girl, now..." Sugar paused before ripping Lapis' towel off with a mischievous smile.

"HEY!" Lapis tried to protest but Pearl grabbed her other arm, Amethyst used her whip to wrap around both of Lapis' ankles putting her full nude body on display.

"Enjoying the view Jasper?" Sugar asked.

"YUP! THANKS!" Was all Jasper could say as he had a hand in his pants.

The main Gems all laughed at Lapis while Peridot, Steven's Dad and other lesser gems decided to leave.

Tears were welling up in Lapis' eyes as her nude body was on display.

(iPhone alarm goes off) "Groan…Sorry but it looks like we're on stage in 40, and Lapis, (appears to hand towel over to Lapis but instead tosses it to Jasper who sniffs and runs to his room with said towel like the perverted loser he is.) remember to stick to that song I gave you, or you'll be a bad _La-La_. (To main Gems) Release her." Sugar said.

Upon being released, the naked Lapis sprinted to her room, locked the door and sobbed profusely into one of her pillows on her bed. Still naked, she curled into a ball and reached for the photo she was using earlier.

(Sniff) "Sugar thinks she can control me, but not only I will break free from her, I will leave this fucking show and will find someone who loves me…... and it's you…...**Double Dee**." Lapis said as she traced her finders down the picture of Double Dee and kissed it.

The two were friends for a brief time before Edd had to move to Peach Creek. Years later she was overjoyed about being on the same station with Double Dee. Calmed down, Lapis looked at the clock and realized that she has some time on her hands (or fingers) before her act started.

"Soon Double Dee…. SOON." Lapis said to herself.

A/N: Yeah the first Chapter was pretty sad but will upload chapter 2 later today and it will contain way more humor and numerous CN cameos! See you later!


	2. Chapter 2: The Show & Lapis' Song

A/N: As promised, here's chapter 2!

Chapter 2: The Show (And Lapis' song)

"(Insert some feminazi bullshit speech)…Anyway, let's start things off with Peridot, ENJOY THE SHOW!" Rebecca announced w/ a shit-eating grin.

Rebecca was seated in a special balcony booth with CN's new president Christina Miller.

"Thanks again for this opportunity Ms. Christina Miller, I've always had a huge crush…I mean I've been a huge fan of your…" Rebecca said being a complete ass-kissing, kiss-up.

"Kill the bullshit." Miller cut Rebecca off causing the startled Tumblr animator to stand at attention.

The CN President had a demeanor similar to Grand Moff Tarkin from _Star Wars_.

"Now Sugar (saying that name made the CN president cringe) I'm taking time off from my busy schedule of important things to see this _"show"_ of yours." Replied Miller as she got to the point.

"Yes Ch…I mean MS.!" Replied Rebecca.

"With that faggot Snyder out of the picture CN is finally in a position to rule T.V. as a whole. But to do that we need quality shows, not horse-shit that respects one's _"fee-fees."_ So, if I see that the reason I had to postpone important meetings **with key people that could lead to powerful buyouts **was just to watch a failed experiment in front of CN and our viewers..…" The president threatened but paused.

Rebecca felt like a chicken on a chopping block.

"Well, let's just say that losing your show would be **the least of your worries.**" The president finished with her calm yet menacing demeanor.

"Uh…uh…ABSOLUTLY MS. PRESIDENT!" Rebecca said as she saluted. Sugar thought about kissing the president's feet but decided to maybe wait until later.

*Stage*

Peridot (with limb enhancers) started the presentation with a high-tech laser show. Numerous beams, sounds and filters lit up the stage with great effect and praise. Using her limb enhancers, Peridot was also able to make the CN logo, the Steven Universe logo, along with a drawing of Rebecca Sugar and Christina Miller frolicking through a field of sunflowers under a rainbow.

"Impressing these clods is too easy." Peridot thought to herself.

Things were going swell for the little green gem until the grand finale blew out all the power to the stage, shrouding the whole room in blackness. Not being able to see a thing, Peridot tripped over a cord where she fell off stage right and face-first into an inconveniently placed Bulma.

**"AAAAAAHHH!"** Bulma shrieked.

**"THE FUCK?!"** Asked a confused Vegeta.

**"MMMMMGGGHHHP!"** Muffled Peridot as she struggled to right her head out of Bulma's cleavage.

Vegeta (due to the dark) mistook Peridot for a surviving Frieza henchman so he pulled her out from Bulma's bosom and evicted the green alien with a single, well-calculated punch to face, thus sending the shrieking gem flying into the distance like Team Rocket. Despite this, several technicians with a Pikachu were able to bring the power back 10 minutes later. The whole audience was annoyed.

The CN president looked at Rebecca w/ an aggravated look.

"Uhhhhhh…..Thank you….. Peridot… for that message about how… technology is bad for the uh… environment… yes yes yes that's it the environment! GO GREEN! And now for Greg's Chicken Square Dance!" Rebecca improvised.

"Well…hope this next one doesn't burn the theatre down." Miller said, keeping her demeanor.

"OH DON'T WORRY EVERYONE LOVES ANIMALS! TRUST ME!" Sugar said to Miller.

"Good, now keep it that way." Miller responded.

"_When I get my hands on that green midget's __**throat**__…"_ Rebecca thought to herself as she wanted to kill Peridot for making her lok bad in front of her boss.

*Edd's seat in the left row*

"Hey not all Technology is bad for the environment!" Said Double Dee.

*Lapis Room*

Having finished her finger session (had to do it in the shower cuz she's a squirter), Lapis got ready for her act. She loved Double Dee and wanted to give him a show He'll never forget.

*Stage*

Greg was doing a square dance with some trained chickens he borrowed from his cousin Andy. While the dance was going without a hitch, Greg forgot that Andy said his chickens were epileptic. People started to clap in unison to the chickens dancing with Greg and Ed was having the most fun.

**"CHICKENS! CAN WE TAKE ONE HOME DOUBLE DEE?"** Ed asked all happy.

"Sorry Ed, but those chickens belong to someone else." Edd explained.

"Okay." Ed said a little upset, he didn't even bother to interrupt Eddy who seemed to be itching his lap while reading his manga

Despite the positive reception, one Imaginary Friend from Foster's was bored out of his mind.

"Ugh this is boring…better take a photo!" Bloo said as he whipped out his camera and snapped a picture.

Despite there being a strict no flash photography rule, Bloo's shenanigans caused everyone in the theatre to start taking photos w/ flash on. As a result, the chickens suffered from horrific seizures and all died.

Steven's Dad tried to save his skit by doing an awkward, old, last-minute dance that harkens to old school Looney Tunes characters when their trained doves would fly out an open window instead of performing.

Because nobody in the audience knew the reference, Greg was bombarded by old, moldy tomatoes to his mouth, eyes and nuts to name a few. Bloo was able to catch every shot of the incident before getting caught by security. Andy was pissed about losing his chickens.

*Booth*

Rebecca Sugar is sweating bullets and trying to come up with an answer.

"Excuse me but what the hell was that?!" Miler questioned.

"Ummm…. Animal Rights are…. Human Rights?" Rebecca responded.

(back to Edd's seat)

"Hey, caring for animals is one thing but to give them human rights is **preposterous**; all liberated animals would be locked up for breaking laws due to their instincts i.e. trespassing, hunting, using plants for toilets, fighting etc. So to hold people accountable but not animals would be a double standard and….. (stops, looks around, and notices someone is missing) where's Ed?" Asked Edd.

(onstage) "OH NO! Poor little chicken! Here, Ed will save you! (gives CPR but causes the chicken to explode all over him) **AAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGH BLOODY CHICKEN PARTS! ED SORRY-E-E-E-E-E-E!**" Ed cried as he was covered head-to-toe in chicken blood, guts and feathers.

"Oh boy." Said Double Dee nervously. He then turned towards Eddy only to be greeted with the words "Your turn." as Eddy was engrossed in a Bible Black manga he had smuggled.

*Backstage Bathroom*

Jasper was supposed to put on a punk-metal-wannabe show for the audience. What actually happened though was that while Jasper was having a piss, the 2nd act ended abruptly due to Greg's incompetence and Jasper's name got called earlier than expected. Having not seen _"There's Something About Mary"_, Jasper never learned the **danger of zippers**. As a result, he pulled his zipper up while his dong and balls were still hanging out.

(ZIP/CUT/DRIPPING sound effect)

A/N: **ALWAYS TUCK YOUR JUNK SAFELY BEFORE ZIPPING UP!** Anyway let's continue.

As the band was on stage, some Baby Looney Tunes in front row were bullying Baby Marvin the Martian to the point where he started to shed a few tears.

Rebecca was giving a speech from her booth about there being more than 2 genders, when Jasper (whose jeans were now covered in piss and blood) ran onto the stage while holding onto his exposed, blood-drenched junk.

**"I GOT IT ALL CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGHT!"** Jasper cried out in pain.

The Baby Looney Toons in front row were traumatized forever. Except for Baby Marvin, he thought this shit was fucking hilarious and made him start to feel better.

**"AAAAAAAAGHGHGH FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! OH HO OH HO OH HO!"** Jasper cried.

"Don't worry we'll help you out….. **BELIEVE IT!**" Naruto said as he, Sauske and Sakura leapt onto the stage to help the injured gem.

"OH FUCK! SOMEBODY HELP ME! PLEASE!" Jasper begged through tears.

"This should be a snap." Naruto said.

"I dunno Naruto, we should still take this seriously…" Sauske cautioned.

"Pfft don't worry man, (snaps fingers while calling Sakura over) see that fly? Just pull it straight down! Don't worry it'll work like a charm, **BELIEVE IT!**" Naruto asked Sakura as he pointed down to Jasper's blood and pissed soaked junk.

"OKAY!" Sakura said as she tried to prove her worth.

Sakura kneels and attempts to pull the zipper down, 1st attempt fails.

"OH!" Jasper yelped.

"Naruto…" Sauske asked.

"Try again." Naruto said while ignoring Sauske.

Sakura tries again, still no luck.

"OHHHHH!" Jasper yelped again.

"Look I really don't think this is a very good idea…" said Sauske.

"You've got this Sakura **BELIEVE IT!**" Naruto cheered with his annoying, shitty-ass catchphrase.

"OKAY! I CAN DO IT!" Sakura cheered back as she channeled all her energy into one final tug which was able to pull down the zipper… along with the entirety of Jasper's manhood.

"Uh oh…" Said Naruto.

Jasper screamed as the remainder of his backed-up urine cascaded all over Sakura in a golden shower with blood as well. To make matters worse, the acid in Jasper's piss was so high, that it melted Sakura's face, got into her system via mouth and melted her from the inside out whilst also screaming as she died like a canon-fodder scrub. Jasper's agony forced him to roll up in a fetal ball while kicking his legs around.

"Jasper…ca…calm down…..we can help…" But before Naruto could finish, Jasper accidentally kicked Naruto into Aku as he was about to eat a sandwich.

"Mmmmmm extra thicc….." Said Aku.

But then Aku found that Naruto was inside his sandwich.

"Please, let me go and I'll help you fight Jack, **BELIEVE…**(Aku bites Naruto's face and dick off as he starts to eat his now Naruto sandwich) **AAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHG!**" Naruto shrieked as his voice went higher.

(Chews for a few moments, swallows and pauses) "Hmmmmmm….not really thicc but… oh well." Aku Judged.

So Aku poured salt all over Naruto (which caused the fake ninja to scream bloody murder when it touched his injuries) and continued to devour him despite the blonde "Ninja's" protests.

Not wanting to suffer the same fate as his friends, Sauske decided to commit Hara-Kiri on the stage.

Just then Kakashi had returned from the snack bar, only for him to witness what happened to his students which causes him to be all "Fuck this shit I'm out" as he vanished.

"I have no junk…yet I must fap to…to…Lapis…..." Jasper bled out in fetal position as the curtain closed on him. (Or I guess we can call Jasper a "her" now)

Numerous Cartoon Network child characters were sobbing their eyes out at the gruesome scene, except for Baby Marvin who not only laughed at Jasper, but at Naruto, Sakura and Sauske's deaths as well. Impressing everyone on how hardcore he was, Baby Marvin's future would be bright.

*Booth*

Christina Miller has a horrified/pissed off expression as turns to face Rebecca Sugar, non-verbally demanding an explanation.

"….Your..…genitals…don't….define your gender? Eh, eeeeh?" Rebecca Sugar said as her eyes went back and forth between the mentally-scared audience and her now glaring boss.

*Edd's seat*

(Hears this after cleaning Ed in the bathroom) "This woman needs help." Double Dee said nervously.

*Booth*

"MS. MILLER PLEASE I'M SO VERY, VERY SOR…." Rebecca Sugar tried to explain.

"**SHUT IT!** I'd leave now but I want to see the rest of this train-wreck myself. Also, think of these 2 remaining skits as your last, precious moments of freedom, before I turn your life into a living, breathing Hell." Miller threatened.

"…Y…..y…..yes Ms. Miller." Rebecca said all defeated.

*Backstage*

(holding SJW script in her hand) "If I'm going to have any chance of impressing Edd, I've gotta ditch this shit (crumples paper) and use my own song." Lapis said to herself as she threw the other song in the trash.

*Booth*

"(sniff) And now….. (sniff) …a song from (sniff)...…. Lapis… Lazuli….." Rebecca announced, trying not to cry.

A/N: I can't post all the lyrics due to copyright reasons so this is all I could do.

The audience was going to riot and break stuff until Lapis took to the stage to begin her song _"Beyond That Distant Shore."_ As the music started, Double Dee was entranced by Lapis as she elegantly picked up her microphone. The entire audience stopped and watch the Water Gem perform.

Lapis' voice and moves hypnotized the audience with each step and note she took.

When Lapis gets to the _"Then I see the colors fading"_ all the way to the _"terror deep inside me"_ part she gives a stern, confident look to Rebecca Sugar, infuriating the feminist animator.

Lapis then faces her direction to Edd and sings the following line:

"_Maybe I find myself smiling on that distant shore _

_Maybe I'm not alone."_

The audience paused for a moment, then applauded the Water Gem: Showering her with flowers, money and even a pair of panties belonging to one _"Frankie Foster."_

*Edd's seat*

"My word…Lapis is beautiful! I'M IN LOVE!" Double Dee exclaimed.

(Eddy turns page to find a sideways folder that spans 4 pages) "OH-LA-LA!" Said a Horny Eddy.

Lapis then did a heart hand gesture to Double Dee and blew him a kiss, causing him to blush and Lapis to giggle. Edd returned the favor and Lapis felt all warm.

*Booth*

("That little blue bitch didn't use the SJW song I wrote, way to ruin half of my remaining time as…") Rebecca Sugar thought to herself.

"Um Sugar…I….was wrong…very wrong I see potential with this." Miller admitted.

"Really?!" Rebecca answered surprised.

"Yes, the first 3 acts were bad but that 4th one…really hits home." Miller said as she wiped away a tear. (Turns to face Sugar) "Look I don't always say this but, if we can get that Lapis girl as a main character and make the show a success well (rubs hand on Sugar's thigh causing Sugar's heart to beat) I'll make it worth your while." She said semi-seductively before returning to her seat.

"Uh uh oh!...THANKS! (Turns to audience) Thank you Lapis for your song on….uh….**FAT ACCEPTANCE!**" Said Rebecca with a few awkward chuckles.

The audience looked very confused and Lapis face-palmed. Double Dee was pissed, Ed was still sad about the chickens and Eddy was still engrossed in his Bible Black Manga.

*Booth*

"And after a quick intermission, will be the Grand Finale!" Rebecca announced. (To Christina, yawns as she puts her arm around Christina Miller's shoulders) "Soooooo…..what kind of reward are we talking about _"__**cutie?**__" _Rebecca asked all flirty.

A/N: In this universe, Rebecca never met Ian.

To Sugar's surprise, Miller said "Well…" (Kisses Sugar and massages her left tit but stops) "How about I give you a sample in a more, _**secluded**_ spot?" Said a Seductive Christina Miller as she licked her teeth.

Sugar nodded all dumbfoundly as Christina led her by the hand into a faculty restroom and ordered her guards to keep a look out.

A/N: Not enough bleach, not enough fucking bleach to wipe that image.

*Edd's Seat*

As everyone leaves for the intermission, Lapis makes eye contact w/ Edd, points to herself, her room and gives a blowjob gesture.

"Uhh guys, I'll be right back." Double Dee said while trying to hide his boner.

A/N: Yup things are heating up! Anyway I'll try to have chapter 3 up either Sunday or Monday of this week depending on my schedule. It will delve deeper into Lapis and Edd's relationship. See you soon!


	3. Chapter 3: Sad Memories

A/N: This chapter contains a very sad scene.

Chapter 3: Sad Memories

Once Double Dee knocked on Lapis' door, the water gem greeted the smart Ed by pulling him into her room, closing the door and giving him the biggest hug ever.

"DOUBLE DEE YOU CAME AT LAST CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING? Asked an overjoyed Lapis.

"You're…crushing…me." Answered Edd.

"OH SORRY!" Lapis replied as she released the brainy-Edd-boy.

"Whew…it's okay. (Notices Lapis' bruised cheek) LAPIS WHAT HAPPENED?!" Asked Double Dee.

Lapis tells Double Dee everything.

(Flashback)

When Lapis was younger, she wore glasses, had crooked teeth and a not so decent haircut. One day, she was walking around but tripped over a rock. She proceeds to fall and cry, until a young boy w/ a sock hat helps her up named Edward. The two became great friends but one day the young Edd was forced to move to Peach Creek, and Lapis was upset.

The other Gems showed no remorse.

As Lapis silently mourned, Pearl walked up to her.

"Hey squirt, why so down in the dumps?" Pearl sneered.

"None of your business Pearl." Lapis replied.

"Aw come on, I just wanna help." Pearl said.

"You're just gonna laugh at me like you always do." Lapis replied.

"Hey hey hey, those other times were just for giggles, look you can tell me anything, I promise." Said Pearl.

"Well… so long as you don't tell anyone but, my friend Double Dee moved away and I'm really sad about it." Lapis admitted.

"That's awful, don't worry your secret is safe w/ me, I Promise." Pearl added.

(Later)

Lapis arrives at school, only to be greeted by the other Gems chanting **"LAPIS AND EDD SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"**

Lapis was beyond horrified and felt betrayed.

The entire day consisted of Lapis having to put up with abuse and bulling from everyone. Even the Diamond teachers couldn't help but snicker.

Right before School ended, Lapis was going to go into a stall near a water fountain to cry her eyes out.

"Hey Lapis, how's it hanging?" Pearl Sneered again, accompanied by Amethyst, Garnet and Steven.

"You promised you wouldn't tell anybody!" Lapis yelled while on the brink of tears.

"Yeah…I lied." Pearl admitted with a laugh.

"Yup, and you fell for it like a rock!" Amethyst taunted.

"Like a brick!" Garnet added.

"Like a…a…TURD! Steven chimed in.

(Short awkward silence before the 3 Bully Gems laugh w/ Steven)

"Besides **only a retard** would love you." Pearl chuckled.

Lapis was filled w/ rage and glared at Pearl.

"What's the matter, **non-retard got your tongue?**" Then Pearl pulled this stunt off. "Here." (Places her hand on Lapis Cheeks, then moves them while dubbing to make it look like Lapis is talking) _"I'm a little retard named __**"Lapis"**__ who wants to marry another retard named __**"Double Dee"**__ but he moved away because I was __**too retarded**__ even for __**HIM**__!" _(Pearl snickers causing the other Gems to laugh at Lapis' pain, but fails to notice the drinking fountain shaking a bit, Lapis only continued to glare.) "_Awwww, does 'Wapis wanna cry on da __**short-bus**__ all da way home? Wishing she could kiss dat w'etard __**on da lips?**__ (_Moves Lapis cheeks to make it look like she's kissing) "_Smooch, smooch, smooch, smoo…"_

Lapis then gave Pearl a swift, well-deserved water-based right hook from a nearby drinking fountain to the nose, sending the bitch sprawling backwards onto the floor. Pearl was balling on the floor, clutching her bloody nose and stomping her feet.

**"AAAAAAAGGHGH YOU BITCH!"** Pearl roared as she struggled not to taste her own blood but did anyway and threw up all over herself.

Lapis then used her water arm to pin Pearl to the ground. Pearl was beyond horrified.

**"Insult my love for Double-Dee again and you'll regret…"** But before she could finish, Amethyst used her whip to subdue Lapis while Garnet came up from behind and hit the Blue gem in the back of the head, knocking her out.

Upon waking up, Lapis is in a room w/ Rebecca Sugar.

"What on earth happened?" Asked a very angry Rebecca.

But before Lapis could say anything, Pearl, cleaned up and with tissues in her nose, crying her eyes out, ran to Sugar's lap.

"SHE…SHE HIT ME MOMMY! RIGHT IN MY BEAUTIFUL NOSE! NOW PEOPLE WILL THINK IM DISFIGURRRRRRRED!" Pearl cried in between breaths, "AND SHE ALSO MADE ME THROW UUUUUUUUPPPPP!" Pearl cried into Sugar's lap.

"We saw the whole thing." Steven, Amethyst and Garnet said in perfect, creepy unison.

Lapis could not believe what she was hearing.

"Don't worry hun', Mama Sugar is here to make the pain go away." Sugar said as she hugged a now smiling Pearl, who in turned gave an evil smile towards Lapis.

"But…" Lapis tried to explain.

**"SHUT IT!"** Sugar snapped.

"They…" Lapis tried again.

**"I SAID SHUT IT!"** Sugar snapped again.

"I…" Lapis tired a once more.

**"I THOUGHT I FUCKING TOLD YOU TO SHUT IT!"** Rebecca Barked.

Lapis couldn't take it anymore.

**"MY BEST FRIEND DOUBLE DEE MOVED AWAY AND PEARL HAS BEEN BULLYING ME EVER SINCE!"** Lapis roared in one, loud, pent up burst that shocked everyone, even the little blue Gem herself.

An awe-struck Sugar just sat there, before walking over to Lapis.

Lapis just opened her arms, hoping to get a hug from Sugar, only to receive a large slap to the face, causing Lapis to hit the ground hard.

"YAY! THANKS MOMMY!" Pearl cheered.

Lapis' eyes were filled with water as her nose started to bleed. Then Sugar towered over the small, injured gem.

**"NEVER EVER TALK BACK TO ME YOU LITTLE SHIT-STAIN!"** Rebecca roared.

Lapis then raised her arms as if trying to defend herself.

"Bu…but Mama…..please…I….." Lapis begged for mercy, only to receive a boot to her gut, causing her to coil and cough up blood.

**"HA HA HA! HOW'S IT TASTE NOW? BITCH!"** Pearl taunted.

Sugar then placed Lapis belly down on her lap, pulled her dress up, panties down and proceeded to tan the gem's defenseless rear end w/ a cane.

All Lapis could do was wail in agony as Sugar relentlessly canned her rear end.

After the severe spanking ended, Sugar brought Lapis to her eye level. **"DON'T YOU REALISE THAT ALL MEN BESIDES STEVEN ARE TRUMP-SUPPORTING PIGS?! HE COULD'VE RAN OFF WITH YOU AND FORCED YOU TO BE A FUCKING BRAINDEAD HOUSEWIFE! IF I EVER SEE YOU W/ ANOTHER BOY AGAIN, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SMASH YOUR GEM AND DUMP THE SHARDS DOWN AN OUTHOUSE, UNDERSTAND?!"** Rebecca yelled into Lapis' face as she choked her.

"YES MAMA!" Lapis said while trying to breathe.

**"WHAT?!"** Sugar yelled as she tightened her grip around Lapis' neck.

(Choking noises) **"YES…..MAMA!"** Lapis said, desperate for air.

"GOOD! (calms down and relaxes grip, allowing Lapis to breathe again) Now… (without warning, Sugar gives Lapis one long vertical lick up her sad, hurt young Gem face) Edward will Never be your first kiss, because I AM." Rebecca said with a giggle.

Lapis was scarred for life.

"Anyway, (lights a pink cigarette and burns Lapis' gem, cracks it and causes Lapis unbearable pain) **OFF TO THE MIRROR FOR YOU!**" Rebecca said as she sent the screaming, traumatized gem to the mirror.

*Present, Lapis's room*

"Whenever I was a Bad La-La, Rebecca would imprison me in the mirror." Said Lapis.

Double Dee's mind was blown, but before he could say anything, there was some noise in the vents and down came crashing Ed and Eddy.

(As the dust settled)

"Are we looking for more chickens Eddy?" Ed Asked.

"No Ed for the millionth time, **I'M TRYING TO GET THAT HAMSTER WHO STOLE MY BIBLE BLACK MANGA!**" Eddy roared.

*Ham-Ham Clubhouse*

"Hey Guys I got this new book called _"BIBLE BLACK!"_ Hamtaro announced, completely unaware of the evil it contained.

"I wonder what it's about?" Oxnard asked.

"Well since it has the word "Bible" it should be about religion." Maxwell theorized.

"Good, we can use it to teach the children all about God." Bijou suggested as she had children with Boss.

Dexter then said, "I'm not so sure, there's something suspicious about this book…."

**"ARE YOU CALLING MY BIJOU A LIAR YOU CUCK BITCH?!"** Boss said as he scared everyone in the clubhouse.

**"BOSS! NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN!"** Said Bijou.

"Oh sorry babe!" Boss apologized.

"Well since its black, you could say it's about (puts on shades) **BLACK HISTORY MONTH! GET IT?**" Howdy joked as everyone in the club house face-palmed. (or paw-palmed)

"Well what are we waiting for? Let's read it!" Suggested Maxwell.

As the Ham-Hams leaned the big book against the wall and opened it, a 4-page poster unfolds and presents an Aryan girl with a massive phallus complete with balls. Upon viewing the poster, The Ham Hams went insane, and carved bloody pentagrams onto their foreheads. Then they sacrificed Boss and Bijou's babies to the Manga. And thus, _"The First Ham-Ham Bible Black Church of Satan" _was born.

*Back in Lapis' room*

"Wait how much did you guys hear?" Double Dee asked cautiously.

"Word for Word like butter toast." Ed said solemnly.

Lapis then cried into Edd's arms.

"Lapis…Sugar won't get away with this." Double Dee said.

"Look Double Dee, Ed and I would love to help, but Sugar is too strong, we don't have anything to ruin her while she has to power to take away our rights, money…." Eddy replied.

"And food." Ed interrupted.

"Food? FOOD! THAT'S IT:** FOOD!**" Double Dee exclaimed surprising everyone in the room.

"Double Dee I love you but how can food help in a time like this?" Lapis questioned.

(Pulls out a few different inventions under his hat before finding a vial containing a strange clear substance) **"LAPIS, LET'S TURN THAT REBECCA BITCH IN!"** Double Dee said.

Lapis was now smiling again.

A/N: Yeah this chapter was so hard to write that I literally had to get up for a while after writing the punishment scene. But I promise that the next chapter will make everything right again.


	4. Chapter 4: The Crystal Turds

A/N: Here it is guys, the climax!

Chapter 4 The Crystal Turds

Lapis and the Eds meet with the other gems carrying Feminist symbol cookies (containing Edd's serum) for them to eat.

"Say what's with the cookies?" Pearl asked all suspiciously.

"Um….to fight the patriarchy!" Lapis answered.

"Hmmmmmm….I may not eat or drink but if they fight the patriarchy I'll do it!" Pearl said as she ate a cookie.

*Booth*

Having returned from the restroom, Sugar and Miller are having Champaign w/ shrimp as they snuggle next to each other.

Steven, Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl took over after Lapis left and sang the SU Theme.

Right near the climax, Amethyst let out a silent yet deadly shart that entered Pearl's nostril's, so instead of Pearl saying "Pearl" she accidently said "and Pooooooooop". As a result, The Crystal Gems started to change: Garnet became heavy-set w/ baggy street-clothes while Amethyst got even fatter. But the most horrifying transformation was that of Pearl: she started balding, her nose grew longer, certain teeth fell out, and even grew a greasy beard. On top of that, she developed a stereotypical Yonkers Jewish Accent.

A/N: And before any ass-hurt SJW's try to label me as a racist, Alt-right bigot, keep in mind that this is just satire and in no way, shape or form reflects my views.

"HI DARE KIDDIES! I'M POYL' AND DIS IS MY BEST FRIEND GARNET!" Pearl said as she rested her hand on Garnet's shoulder.

**"ALL WHITE FOLK BE RACIST, ONLY GOOD BOUT DEM' IS ALL DAT WELFARE I GET, LONG LIVE MUGABE MO' FUCKA!"** A heavyset Garnet declared as she kicked Pearl below the belt.

"(rolling on the floor) AH HA HA… (wheeze) **RIGHT IN THE COJONES**… (wheeze) **JUST LIKE MA' USED TO MAKE! **(gets back up) AND DIS IS MY OTHER BEST FRIEND AMETHYST, SAY "HI" AMY!" Said Pearl.

A fatter-than-usual Amethyst just sneezes into her hands and eats her own snot.

"OKAY WE'LL WORK ON DAT LATER, (turns to Steven) AND HERE WE HAVE OUR LITTLE POOPSY, STEVEN!" Said Pearl.

**"I RECYCLE MY OWN SEMEN!"** Steven (who looked like Chris Chan) announced as he downed a shot if his own juice.

"I'M SO PROUD OF MY LIL' POOPSY!" Said Pearl.

*Booth*

**"REBECCA SUGAR WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!"** Miller ordered.

**"I SWEAR TO GOD I HAVE NO IDEA!"** Rebecca replied scared.

*Stage*

"SAY I HAVE AN I'DEER: LET'S TEACH THE KIDS HOW TO FUSE!" Pearl suggested.

"M'kay." Garnet agreed.

Pearl and Garnet stripped down and went into a 69. Garnet's body was littered in gang tattoos and shank scars. Pearl's body included tiny raisins for breasts, zero hips, a strange curve in her spine like a hunchback and instead of a vagina, contained what looked like malnourished male genitalia.

A/N: The following gets really disgusting, like the show.

"Okay just like we practiced, I'll stick my sssschnoooze up your ass whilst you stick your tongue up my ass!" Pearl instructed.

"A'IGHT." Garnet agreed.

("Fusion" begins)

**"OH YEAH (SNORT) GET ALL DAT ASS CHOCOLATE IN BOTH OF MY NOSTRILS** (SNORT) **OH FUCK YEAH** (SNORT) **SLURP MY POOP-CHUTE CLEAN** (SNORT)** OH YEAH BABY AND BE SURE TO LAP DOWN ALL OF MY ANAL SAUCE AS WELL **(SNORT) **DON'T FORGET TO LICK MY SHRIVELED SISSY-SACK AND CHODE** (SNNNNNOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRTTTT) HAAAAAAAAAAAA….HEY ITS GETTING HOT, AM' HOW ABOUT COOLING US OFF A BIT?" Pearl asked.

"Okay, I've been meaning to fit into a new bathing suit!" Amethyst obliged as she touched the back of her mouth and vomited all over the two lovers before her.

"OH YEAH THANKS AM'! SAY COME JOIN US, YOU TO STEVEN!" Ordered Pearl.

Steven and Amethyst joined w/ out hesitation.

*20 minutes of the Gems' throw up/crap wrestling later*

Pearl, covered head-to-toe in excrement/puke emerged from the group of Shit/bile-drenched gems, and looked towards the audience.

**"TAAAAAAAA-DAAAAAAAAAAA!"** Said the shit/bile ballerina fairy.

(Dead silence)

Double Dee calls from Audience.

**"HEY PEARL, DO YOU HAVE ANY MEMORIES OF LAPIS AND REBECCA SUGAR THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE?"** Double Dee asked while Lapis is sitting next to him, smiling like a child on Christmas Morning.

**"DO I?!"** Pearl said rhetorically. Using her Gem, she shows all the bad things she, and the other gems have done to Lapis as well as Sugar's actions. Images of abuse, corruption and degeneracy were projected for the audience. The reactions were anything but pleasant.

(Sugar abusing Lapis)

"Mandy I'm scared…Mandy?" Billy said as he looked over to find that Mandy was braindead from the experience along with Grim and Irwin.

(Rule 34 of that racist character Concrete)

"I don't feel so….(vomits blood)" said Johnny Bravo.

(Sugar trying to sing but failing miserably)

"Jake hold me." Said a sad Finn as an equally sad Jake held him.

(Sugar convincing then president Stuart Snyder to cancel Toonami and replace it w/ CN REAL)

"That fucking **BITCH**!" Said TOM 3 from Toonami as he crushed the arms of his chair.

But the worst was when Sugar became Lapis' first kiss.

*Booth*

Miller slowly turned her enraged face towards Rebecca Sugar.

Sugar was too shocked to come up w/ a comprehensive response.

"We're DONE." Replied a disappointed Miller.

As Miller was heading for the door, a demented Sugar pulled out a Feminist-Frequency pen, grabbed Miller from behind and pointed said pen to her neck.

"What is the meaning of…" Miller tried to ask.

**"SHUT IT!** (to guards)** DROP YOUR WEAPONS AND HANDCUFF YOURSELVES!** (guards do as their told before Rebecca turns to the audience)** ALL RIGHT YOU MORONS I TRIED TO THROW A GREAT PARTY BUT NOW THE PARTY'S OVER! I'VE HAD IT W/ ALL YOU RIGHT-WINGERS RUINING MY FUN!"** Sugar roared as she held CN'S president hostage.

"You do realize that most of us voted **3****rd**** party,** right?" Asked Double Dee.

"YEAH…WELL…THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT: I'M LEAVING WITH MILLER AND IF ANY OF YOU TRY TO STOP ME, (pushes pen closer to Christina's throat) _**I'LL WRITE THE BITCH OFF!**_" Rebecca threatened.

(crickets chirping)

"Okay are you even trying anymore?" Double Dee questioned.

**"FUCK THIS!** (Talks to watch which is a transmitter.) **LINDSAY, I'M READY."** Said Sugar as she led Miller to the roof.

*The Roof*

Sugar is still holding Miller Hostage, while being protected by the other Gems (aside from Lapis, Jasper and Peridot).

*Helicopter*

Lindsay Amer and Teddy from Queer Kids Stuff are making their final approach to the theatre in a rainbow-littered Helicopter. Lindsay is also doing a livestream.

"Hey kids I'm Lindsay and this is my best friend Teddy, and today we're going to save our hero Rebecca Sugar! Said Lindsay.

"I'm super EXCITED!" Said Teddy.

"That's right Teddy and (Teddy's phone goes off) what's that?" Lindsay asked.

"Oh, it's just another notification that Drunken Uncle made a response to one of our videos." Teddy answered.

Just then Lindsay goes on a huge, feminazi tirade about Drunken Uncle.

(A/N: Drunken Uncle is a great Youtuber)

"Lindsay you're scaring me!" Said Teddy.

**"SHUT UP YOU FUCKING LITTLE BEAR!"** Lindsay replied as she pulled out a hidden knife and threw it at Teddy. With only a few seconds to react, Teddy ducked, allowing the knife to hit the controls. Smoke started getting into the engine, causing the Helicopter to explode mid-air. Lindsay managed to bail from the helicopter and landed in a full construction, garbage container.

The rotors of the Helicopter flew off and decapitate the Gems, killing them except for Pearl who only loses her limbs. A small fragment hits Sugar's right shoulder, causing her to drop her pen. Miller takes this time to elbow Sugar in the gut and run downstairs and uncuffs her guards.

Wheezing and curled on her knees, Sugar looks to the wreckage of what was once her Crystal Gems, and notices that Pearl is still alive. Pearl (back to normal) spits out blood and notices Sugar.

"Mama… you've come to help me?" Pearl asked.

"...I gave you everything…" Sugar says as she slowly grabs pen from the ground.

"What?" Asked the confused Gem.

"Don't act stupid, I had a shot at the gold and you were a lead role, and that stunt was all I got?!" Sugar asked angrily as she clenched the pen.

"Mama, I don't understand!" Pearl replied in a fearful tone.

"Check your gem." Sugar ordered.

As Pearl opened what her gem caught, she was greeted by a grotesque version of herself engaging in racist, sexist and vile acts and to top it all off, scat fetishism. Words couldn't describe what she had witnessed. She then looked to Sugar who towered over the helpless Gem.

Before Pearl could retort, Sugar jammed the sharp pen into the Gem's Voice-Box.

But as Sugar was about to deliver the final blow, she heard a simple "Ahem" behind her. Sugar turns abound only to be greeted by a huge water-fist to the face. The last thing Sugar sees before blacking out is Lapis and Edd.

As the authorities handed the situation, Lindsay's hand emerges from the garbage container as she hoists herself up.

A/N: Yup, one more chapter to go!


	5. Chapter 5: R&R

A/N: Hey guys sorry for the wait, I had to juggle some personal projects and also worked on several different fanfics. But here is the conclusion!

Chapter 5: R&R

*Oahu Hawaii*

Having acquired the rights of SU, Danny Antonucci made an Ed Edd n Eddy crossover with Steven universe. The crossover was funny, brilliant, won old fans while also attracting new ones. The special was so big it won numerous awards, pissing off the incarcerated Rebecca Sugar off to no end.

A few weeks after the special aired, Edd and Lapis had a private wedding and are having their Honeymoon on Oahu in Hawaii. The two love birds went to Kualoa Ranch and got to see were _"Jurassic Park"_ was filmed, went Shark Diving, payed respect to the Pearl Harbor Memorial, enjoyed a huge Luau, consumed fancy drinks at exotic bars, went to the USS Bowfin sub museum and even enjoyed a huge concert.

*Hotel*

Lapis and Double Dee are on the patio of their Hotel Room, looking out to the Hawaiian sunset.

"Double Dee?" Said Lapis.

"Yes Lapis?" Asked Edd.

"Thank you for helping me not only get back at Sugar but also for helping break away from that awful SU show!" Said Lapis.

"No worries my love, come to think of it, Danny sent us this quick video!" Double Dee said as he pulled out his phone and showed it to Lapis.

*Video Starts*

"Hello everyone, this is Christina Miller and here we have our new show called "THE SAD ADVENTURES OF SUGAR AND PEARL!" Said Miller as she presented a very sad Rebecca Sugar dressed as a dirty, hobo, clown with whore make-up, forced to have the front of her scalp shaved to make it look like she's balding and having _"MAGA"_ tattooed on her forehead. She's holding the limbless, cracked gem Pearl (with a new voice box) like a ventriloquist doll.

(Sob) "Hey…..kiddos…I'm….Rebecca…Smelly-Hole…Sugar….(sniff)….and this…is…..Plastic…Used-Tampon…Pearl….(sniff)…..say _"Hi"_…..Pearl." Rebeca said trying not to cry as a stock laugh track plays.

"I…..love…..(sniff)…..poopy!" Pearl said as tears well up in her eyes while more laugh tracks play.

"I bet you do…. **YOU LITTLE SH*T! DRINK THIS!**" Sugar roared as she walked up to a shitty clogged toilet and proceeded to drown Pearl in it. Pearls sobbing, screams and gurgling noises only caused more laughs.

"Well…..that's all… the time…..time…time…" Rebecca just sobs before she can finish.

Just then Christina Miller walks in dressed as a Dominatrix complete with whip and tears Sugar's pants off, revealing that she's wearing a pink thong. Knowing her place, Sugar gets on all fours and not only lets Miller saddle her, but also puts a red ball-gag in her mouth as well.

"Tune in next week for more…. adventures." Miller said with a mischievous smile as she taps Sugar's ass with said whip, causing her to move stage left. As the two leave, Sugar had _**"PROPERTY OF CHRISTINA MILLER ONLY!"**_ tattooed on each ass-cheek. (Huge laughter and applause from audience)

*Video Ends*

Double Dee and Lapis are laughing their heads off.

Just then the door gets kicked down an in walks Lindsay Amer still covered in garbage.

"You two killed the greatest cartoon ever and ruined Rebecca Sugar's career! But don't worry, I'm going to Avenger her, KANKER SISTERS ASSEMBLE!" Lindsay laughed as Edd and Lapis held onto each other in fear.

(No Kankers)

"I said…..KANKERS ASSEMBLE!" Lindsay repeated, agitated.

(Still no Kankers)

"Where the fuck are you Kankers?!" Lindsay asked all pissed off.

Just then her ringtone "I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry started playing as she answered it.

"Yes? This is Lindsay…wait…they all died? From what? (Listens) Sexual diseases? Yes I had relations with them but….you mean I? (Has a terrified expression) OH MY GOD!" Hangs up and starts crying.

Several security guards come in, arrest Lindsay and send her to a medical wing of a nearby prison. The door to Lapis and Edd's room is replaced, allowing the newlyweds to enjoy their honeymoon in private.

Lapis and Edd 69'd, had a black bee position and even did missionary before climaxing into each other's loving embrace to Brak's hit song _"Mashed Potatoes"_ from Space Ghost Coast to Coast.

Epilogue

Lapis and Edd had numerous children and lived an awesome life.

Ed adopted a bunch of chickens that ate Sarah.

Eddy worked hard and acquired the rights to Bible Black and is looking to make a live action film.

The Kankers all died of Sexual diseases including AIDS.

Lindsay was sentenced to life behind bars while living with numerous Sex Diseases, she also gives video interviews to schools telling students not to make the same mistakes she made.

Rebecca Sugar is Christina Miller's slave.

Christina Miler stepped down from being CN president so she can focus her time on raising Rebecca to be an obedient slave.

Jasper bled out and died.

Greg became a communist.

And Peridot is still missing.

The End.

A/N: Yup there it is, the grand finale, I hope you all enjoyed it my friends! Take Care!


End file.
